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Nine years ago today was a Saturday, Kevin and I planned to go look at several houses for sale. He was feeling crappy, so we didn't. We stayed home. I remember sweetness to the day, talking about what we might want in a house, watching a movie, taking a nap together. He took a lot of naps. We made love for what I did not know would be the last time, very gentle and tender.
Around 9:30p.m. that night, nine years ago tonight, he was bent double from pain, and he finally agreed to go the E.R. Sometime in the early hours of the morning, when he was wheeled back into the room after having a C.T. scan, I remember thinking, "Remember this moment, this is the last moment of not knowing," because I already knew.
It's been many years now and I am happily remarried, but the grief is still there. As I and many others have said so many times, grief is the price of love.
What I am learning more and more every year is that the body remembers. I woke today with a sense of dread and I'm having a hard time concentrating. I know now what nine-year about me didn't, about what is to come, what came.
Love never dies. I am so grateful for the time I had with Kevin, even the hard parts.
I'll be kind to myself today, and in the coming days leading to March 28, the anniversary of his death. You be kind to yourself, too. We all are carrying burdens.
I love you, Kevin, and I miss you.
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