Memorial (before)

Tomorrow is Kevin's Boston memorial.

I'm not sure what else to write here, because that one sentence is an abomination. It makes no sense.

A memorial? For Kevin? How can he not be here on this earth by my side holding my hand? How can this much time have gone by already? How can I be breathing?

Intellectually I understand that this is important. I understand that this gives our extended communities a chance to come together and remember him. I understand that this is part of the ritual when someone dies. And yes, I know he is gone. But I am unable to fathom a world, my world, without him in it. I am unable to understand my continuing life without him in it. I know it will come with time. I just don't want it.

I am still enraged and desolated by his death. So the thought of spending time admitting he is gone... well. That's hard.

Tomorrow I will do my best to be kind. To be gracious. To accept all the love and support and genuine emotion offered. I will set aside the part of me that wants to clasp her hands over her ears and run away screaming. I will set aside the part of me that is nothing more than a husk. I will set aside the part of me that holds onto a slim hope that this is a bad dream, for all that I know it is not. It is my life now.

I will be present as we remember and celebrate the love of my life.

And later, well... that's another story.

(c)2014 Laura S. Packer