Friday, June 20, 2014

Memorial (before)

Tomorrow is Kevin's Boston memorial.

I'm not sure what else to write here, because that one sentence is an abomination. It makes no sense.

A memorial? For Kevin? How can he not be here on this earth by my side holding my hand? How can this much time have gone by already? How can I be breathing?

Intellectually I understand that this is important. I understand that this gives our extended communities a chance to come together and remember him. I understand that this is part of the ritual when someone dies. And yes, I know he is gone. But I am unable to fathom a world, my world, without him in it. I am unable to understand my continuing life without him in it. I know it will come with time. I just don't want it.

I am still enraged and desolated by his death. So the thought of spending time admitting he is gone... well. That's hard.

Tomorrow I will do my best to be kind. To be gracious. To accept all the love and support and genuine emotion offered. I will set aside the part of me that wants to clasp her hands over her ears and run away screaming. I will set aside the part of me that is nothing more than a husk. I will set aside the part of me that holds onto a slim hope that this is a bad dream, for all that I know it is not. It is my life now.

I will be present as we remember and celebrate the love of my life.

And later, well... that's another story.

(c)2014 Laura S. Packer Creative Commons License


  1. You will hang on. He will be remembered with love. He left a big mark in this world. Few people can say that. Let your love flow. Let his spirit roam free. He will be around you.. hugs

  2. Love... As always I give you my love

  3. When you feel alone and upset, look around, I'm sure you will see very tall shadow by yours.

  4. see you soon, thank you for doing this for us. <3

  5. Everything you write & express so meaningfully is what I feel. Today is also 11 weeks since my beloved husband of 40 years died & 19 weeks since he was diagnosed with cancer. I have perhaps 15-20 years in front of me and I'm not looking forward to it either. My sense of well being is lost forever. I'm shattered - as you are. I'm sorry for both of us. It sucks.
    Wish I could help.

    1. Shell, all we can do is witness and keep company with one another. People say it gets more bearable...


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