Friday, June 20, 2014

Memorial (before)

Tomorrow is Kevin's Boston memorial.

I'm not sure what else to write here, because that one sentence is an abomination. It makes no sense.

A memorial? For Kevin? How can he not be here on this earth by my side holding my hand? How can this much time have gone by already? How can I be breathing?

Intellectually I understand that this is important. I understand that this gives our extended communities a chance to come together and remember him. I understand that this is part of the ritual when someone dies. And yes, I know he is gone. But I am unable to fathom a world, my world, without him in it. I am unable to understand my continuing life without him in it. I know it will come with time. I just don't want it.

I am still enraged and desolated by his death. So the thought of spending time admitting he is gone... well. That's hard.

Tomorrow I will do my best to be kind. To be gracious. To accept all the love and support and genuine emotion offered. I will set aside the part of me that wants to clasp her hands over her ears and run away screaming. I will set aside the part of me that is nothing more than a husk. I will set aside the part of me that holds onto a slim hope that this is a bad dream, for all that I know it is not, it is my life now.

I will be present as we remember and celebrate the love of my life.

And later, well... that's another story.

(c)2014 Laura S. Packer Creative Commons License

7 comments:

  1. You will hang on. He will be remembered with love. He left a big mark in this world. Few people can say that. Let your love flow. Let his spirit roam free. He will be around you.. hugs

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  2. Love... As always I give you my love

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  3. When you feel alone and upset, look around, I'm sure you will see very tall shadow by yours.

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  4. see you soon, thank you for doing this for us. <3

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  5. Everything you write & express so meaningfully is what I feel. Today is also 11 weeks since my beloved husband of 40 years died & 19 weeks since he was diagnosed with cancer. I have perhaps 15-20 years in front of me and I'm not looking forward to it either. My sense of well being is lost forever. I'm shattered - as you are. I'm sorry for both of us. It sucks.
    Wish I could help.
    xo
    -Shell

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    Replies
    1. Shell, all we can do is witness and keep company with one another. People say it gets more bearable...

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True Stories, Honest Lies by Laura S. Packer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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