This New Year's Eve and Day was the first in my adult life where I went to bed and woke alone. It was hard, as so much is. I survived i,t as I have survived so much. There were moments of light, as there so often are.
In years past Kevin and I would see in the New Year either by performing together or by staying home and enjoying each other's company. For years I would start the new year with a list of goals and strategies. It helped me move forward in my life and gave me a rough roadmap. I didn't make resolutions because that seemed too vague. This year moving forward feels off. Every step I take forward feels like a step further away from Kevin. I know, there are a lot of things that can be said here. Kevin is always with me so I'm not moving away from him. I need to move on in my life. Living fully is a way to honor him. Blah, blah, blah. I know these things are true. I also know they make the accumulation of time between Kevin and No Kevin no easier. I know I must continue my life and I will. Those of you who know me in person know stagnation isn't something I relish. Those of you who know me only through this blog, I hope, see someone finding her way slowly through the murk. But still... time is an unavoidable beast and the events that highlight it are hard.
I still have my list of goals because I want to move forward in my life's work (anyone want to hire a storyteller, coach, writer, communications consultant? Let's talk!) which feels key to moving forward in my whole life, but more general resolutions feel as though they may be a gentler way of living this year in a year when I need gentleness.
- I resolve to keep remembering.
- I resolve to keep living as best I can. Sometimes that means watching too much tv. Other times it means more.
- I resolve to forgive myself for mistakes made, for things forgotten, for rediscovering the world and myself.
- I resolve to allow in the light, play, laughter, hugs.
- I resolve to honor the tears and pain as they come.
- I resolve to keep breathing.
(c)2015 Laura S. Packer