Saturday, March 28, 2015

Kevin M. Brooks, loved

Kevin was and remains the love of my life. He was a devoted father, completely dedicated to helping his kids make their own way in the world with as much support as he could provide. He was a seeker of wisdom and laughter and life. He was a dedicated friend. He loved playing with ideas, with juggling balls, with anything he could balance on his palm. He adored his mother even as he would conceal at smile at some of her antics. His stories touched everyone, breaking down barriers of color and class. He was a miracle.

Kevin was a gift to the universe. I am so sad he is gone, I doubt this wound will ever heal but that's okay. I am so grateful for him. I am so grateful for his life, for his love, for his being. I remain awed by the mere fact that he loved me.

He died holding my hand. The last words he said were to tell me he loves me. I have never been more connected to another human being. I doubt I ever will be. In his last days Kevin was surrounded by people who love him. Frankly, I can't imagine a more graceful or holy way to go. While I hate that this happened, I am so glad he was able to make his peace, so glad he was able to be present with his kids, so glad he knew how much he is loved.

Now I see Kevin everywhere. His energy remains in some form because energy can be neither created nor destroyed. I see him in the technology I use, in the media I consume, in the stories I tell. From time to time something happens that I can only explain as Kevin saying hello. He is in the air I breathe so I breath deeply so, when I remember, I close my eyes and feel the molecules of air that passed through his lungs enter mine. We are still connected as are all of you who love him so well.

Thank you all for accompanying me through this year. Writing has saved me again and again. More than that, knowing you are reading what I've written means that I feel less alone. I remember that I have a voice and that maybe I have something useful to say. I wouldn't have made it through without you.

Kevin, thank you.
I love you. I always will, as you will always love me.

(c)2015 Laura S. Packer Creative Commons License


  1. That was so beautifully written; it made me cry. You have come so far on your journey, and taken us all along. We are all the wiser; enriched, for sharing this with you.
    I lost my Alan March 27, 2014 and have felt so many of the things you have felt.
    I wish you so many blessings to come.

    1. Oh Shell.... much love to you. How are you doing?

    2. Laura-I guess I am doing as well as can be expected. I still experience twinges/bursts of
      grief-- but mostly weekly now instead of daily -- & am told I will for many years.

      I'm often surprised to find that in the midst
      of a series of good hours or days, something brings on an
      intense episode of grief. I read that these
      episodes of grief can be understood as 'celebrations',
      celebrations of a relationship that meant so much to
      you that episodes of grief can still overcome you from
      time to time.

      It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Alan passed. He truly was a remarkable man and I miss him
      more than ever.

      Have you heard of Francis Weller?

      I love Francis Weller ! He is a writer and a psychologist and he says we are left to carry our grief in solitude and
      so having "community" helps and is
      amazingly healing for people.
      We think that grief and joy have no relationship. But they
      are intimately connected. William Blake had a wonderful phrase. He said; “the deeper the
      sorrow, the greater the joy.” So if we cut off our access to grief, what happens to our access to
      joy? In a sense, what happens is the emotional field compresses.
      and that’s why Francis weller says we live in a 'flatline' culture.
      The flatline is really what happens when the range of our expected emotional
      life is shrunken.

      the lost art of grief:

      These are great ways of viewing the fullness of life by embracing emotions and using them for personal growth rather than suppressing them.
      It is very helpful to hear from and read what great thinkers have to say about these under-discussed and over-simplified aspects of being fully human.

      Thanks for all you share.

  2. Good site. Well done.


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