What I miss

This is a hard time of year for me. It may be for you too; if so I'm sorry. It's a rough feeling, isn't it? I was sitting with it a few days ago and realized it feels like a combination of grief and homesicknesses. This got me thinking about what it means to be homesick, what do I miss? It certainly isn't a place, I am as home now as I ever was (that's a whole other issue), yet I still feel homeless, like I'm looking in a mirror without a reflection. With a little time, journaling, and a couple of cries, I realized what I miss is a life, who I used to be. I miss a future I didn't get to have, existential homesickness. I miss Kevin, that much is hugely, painfully clear, but I also miss who I was with him.

What I miss.

• I miss being someone who didn't know what it is to grieve deeply.
• I miss being someone who didn't have to learn how to navigate the medical system.
• I miss the belief that there is time in front of me.
• I miss laughing until I can't stand up.
• I miss the inside jokes. I have new inside jokes, but not the old ones.
• I miss being sharp and witty - my mind isn't as quick since he died, I think I used it up when navigating the medical system.
• I miss looking forward to how much he loved Christmas.
• I miss believing in Santa, or at least believing in Christmas magic.
• I miss the future we didn't get to have, the adventures and arguments, the decisions and delights.
• I miss being someone who tried to be empathetic to people who had suffered great losses, but didn't know how. I miss being someone who said some stupid though well-intentioned things about grief. I miss not knowing.
• I miss the 30 years we didn't get have.
• I miss who I might have become in that time.

None of this is to say I don't have a lovely life now. I do. I love and am loved, I have meaningful work, and I like much of who I am now. But I miss who I never got to be.

Loss is an evolving thing, I keep finding new pieces of it and making new discoveries about its reach. I miss not knowing this at all.
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