Personal calendars

I could blame it on the limited daylight or on the strep I am still recovering from, complete with a blocked ear. Both would be true. I could say that I haven't slept the night through in several years. That, too, would be true. But the more honest truth is that I am tired because I am sad.

I am in the hard season, the time when memories of Kevin being ill are much more vivid and timely than the ones of the 14.5 years we had when he was well. By this time in 2013 we knew something was seriously wrong. He was diagnosed on January 18th and died 69 days later, so right now? Even the date is a reminder of what has been lost and how hard it was.

I think that's part of what happens when we lose someone we love. We develop a new personal calendar that isn't bound by season or arbitrary time delineation, but by memories. Ah yes, this was when we went to the hospital. I remember the sunrise over the icy roofs, it looks the same doesn't it. My body remembers in ways my mind may not so I am tired.

This is my third time hitting these particular calendar pages. Each year it's been different and I expect it will continue to change. I do know that right now I'm tired and much more prone to cry at stupid commercials. Grief is expressing itself as fatigue.

And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with being sad because Kevin died almost three years ago. There is nothing wrong with being pissed off and stunned that the world has continued. There is nothing wrong with simultaneously experiencing laughter and hope and sorrow. There is nothing wrong with noting my own personal calendar and saying Ah yes. Here we are again. So it goes. So it goes.

(c)2017 Laura S. Packer