Homesickness in the time of pandemic

While I lived in Boston for almost 30 years, I never fell in love with it. What made it home were the people I loved and the New England landscape outside of the city. I never felt deeply bonded to the place the way one does with a capital H Home. I carry a sense of home inside of me and that's enough.

Why do I feel homesick for Boston these days? I've been noticing this feeling for weeks, wanting to go Home, even though the home I'm yearning for is long gone. I couldn't go back to the same apartment, Kevin is dead these six years, and I am content enough in Minnesota with Charley.

In thinking about this, what is no doubt obvious to you became clear to me. It isn't that I want to go back to a place, but I want to go back to a belief and a time. A time before Trump and pandemic and constant fear. A time when the future seemed brighter, when I was able to believe the illusion that there was some kind of certainty and positive momentum. A time when I had some confidence in the world as a relatively benign place. A time when I was more hopeful, maybe more innocent. I want that Home, and it doesn't exist. It never did.

The fact of its non-existence doesn't mean I can stop yearning for it. The pandemic has created a great sense of homesickness in me. I am hungry for a sepia-toned-Dorothy-Gale-Kansas version of home, but that doesn't work because I never liked the ending of that film. The message that we're not supposed to dream bigger, full-color lives never rang true to me. 

I'm pretty good at sitting with whatever I'm feeling, but this one makes me impatient with myself, because it comes perilously close to nostalgia, a feeling that I see used in many wicked ways (the good old days never existed and were pretty bad for many). So what am I supposed to do with this feeling? 

I'm asking myself that every day. Some days the answer is to feel the feeling then deliberately move on to other things. Some days it's to feel sad and scared and recognize that what I want isn't possible nor should it be. Other days, my better days, it becomes a spur to act in some way to create a better world. Sometimes that helps.

Today? Today I am homesick. Today I am angry and afraid and ready for change. Today I am sitting with those feelings and realizing I want to build a better idea of home. Today I need to remember that I am not alone in these feelings. Neither are you. 

If there's no place like home then let's make it a home we want to be in. Let's build a world where homesickness doesn't need to be. 

Today I'm calling elected officials and reminding them they work for me. I'm donating what money I can to a variety of organizations, among them some to help those who have lost their homes. And I am sitting with those feelings, yearning for what was, mourning what is gone and then picking up the phone for another call.

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