These days alone time is confusing and not a little scary. I still need it, but it no longer feels safe. It is too easy to imagine what may come, the pains and hardships. It's disquieting, finding myself dreading one of the things I need the most.
In this state I find myself clinging to social media. Has anyone posted anything new on Facebook? On CaringBridge? Anyone? Hello? I suppose that's why I'm writing this post, to feel connected, even if I am alone in our home.
I need to relearn how to dance with solitude, relearn how to trust myself in the dark.
Maybe more than anything I need to remember that I am in new territory and the old rules may not apply. I am forging a new path through unfamiliar lands and maybe the only thing I can really do is trust that I have managed this well for this long, I can manage a little longer.
And maybe I need to remember that I am not alone. All I need to do is reach out and I will be accompanied through the night.
Ultimately, that is why I write. So I am not alone but in company with my thoughts, with you reading this, with the universe watching me dance.
This isn't the most coherent blog post, but right now? It's enough to look up from my own fear and say
How are you this evening?
And for now that's enough.
(c)2014 Laura S. Packer