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This is a self-indulgent post. Please skip or read it kindly, knowing I am doing the best I can.
Kevin tells a great story about taking a friend on her first roller coaster ride. While that story isn't about me, he also took me on my first roller coaster ride. I loved it. I loved the dips and turns, the g-force thrills.
I do not love this roller coaster. I do not love the emotional pummeling pancreatic cancer is giving us. I do not love the fact that I am struggling to retain my emotional stability, my momentum, my intellect and my integrity all the time. I do not love that I write something meaningful, something I believe, and ten minutes later I feel like a liar because I just can't live that way in this moment, that in this moment all I want to do is howl.
Everything is the stomach-lifting surge right now.
And even with that, I don't want the ride to end, because it is at least the ride. If we are screaming together we are still here together.
I may never ride a roller coaster again.
(Please bear in mind, I don't feel this way all the time. But I do right now and it feels dishonest to deny it. Thanks for understanding.)
(c)2014 Laura S. Packer
I would be so suprised if you didn't feel this way! This is a full-on, relentless ride you are both on - thank you for sharing the inevitable downs as well as ups. It is the vulnerability that makes the road real - and will be the most helpful if any of us are called on a similar journey. Thank you for your honesty. Sending love, prayers, and a large hug.
ReplyDeleteI love you my friend and I'm only a phone text email Skype away! You don't have to ride alone...
ReplyDeleteSending a big hug. I am very sorry for your emotional roller coaster ride but appreciate your speaking your truth.
ReplyDeleteNo shame in expressing the dark emotions with the light emotions. "I don't want to do this" isnt a statement just for children, they just greater liberty of having someone do it for them until they are strong enough. Being an adult, and being strong enough, can still mean you don't want to ride to the end. To me, you are strong, in truth I think you are a bodybuilder of emotions, always dealing with the weak ones and balancing the strong emotions. Honey, you are emotionally ripped and you feel all the emotions. I love you!
ReplyDeleteYou are heard.
ReplyDeleteYes, dear heart. It is good to share the power of the ups with us, but also the downs. You are generously taking us on a journey whose path is precarious; we need the whole map.
ReplyDeleteHow I wish you could hear us all howling! We would deafen the stars.
love jo
Howling! Yes .... all of us ... with you.
ReplyDeleteHearing you. Hugging you. Be who you are, all of it. And share the journey to illuminate the darkness so that others may also see. HUG <3
ReplyDeleteHowl away Laura; sometimes it is good for the soul.
ReplyDeletexo
Thanks for baring your soul. It is a tutorial for survival. God bless.
ReplyDeleteWith you dear Laura....
ReplyDeleteI have never liked roller coaster rides, either voluntary or imposed. But I wish I could handle mine with half the grace & honesty as you are handling yours. Keep writing through what you need to write through. We're listening. We're here.
ReplyDeleteIt is the ride ..and still being on it that is enduring. Your positive ness...constant seeing the beauty of life and the good...that is the healing force, it is the
ReplyDeletepart that takes you up and down the roller coaster ride....I so admire your
resiliency on the ride.....
Click goes the little bar that hold you in on your roller coaster bar. We all know it's there to keep you safe. Were that there was a little bar I could click over Kevin's heart to keep him safe, and click, one over your heart to keep you the same, Laura. When I find that little bar that keeps your life safe I'll send it to you. In the mean time all I can send you today is a bucket of love dipped in strawberries and chocolate. And 8,965 hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you all!
ReplyDeleteSometimes things are so terrible you freeze in place. Laura, your heart is so big, your gifts for sharing your experience so profound, I can't help but think, yes, be as upset as you need to be. You've been stronger than so many ever could be.
ReplyDeleteSending love
ReplyDelete