50 for 50, day one: Introduction

I realize this is in no way an original statement, but I really don't feel my age. When I was a child I imagined that by now I would be married with several children of my own. I would have a house, a career in some easily understood field working in some kind of organization making plenty of money because all grown ups seemed rich. I'd probably have a dog and imagined myself as slim but old looking because when I was a kid anyone over 25 was old looking. I thought people at the age I am now had impenetrable cocktail parties where they talked about boring grown up things. I thought people at the age I am now had given up junky horror movies and only watched Bergman films. As a child, the age I am now seemed impossibly old, impossibly grown up. I thought people at the age I am now had it all figured out.

Boy, was I wrong. I am widowed with stepchildren, amazing grown people who don't really need me on a regular basis. I have never owned a home and, while I definitely have a career, it's not a typical one and I am by no means rich. I don't currently have a pet and I am neither slim nor particularly old looking. I don't really enjoy cocktail parties (though I sometimes like a good cocktail) and I value both junky horror movies and Bergman.

More than anything, most days I consider myself lucky to find my way out of bed, let alone figure anything else out. It seems to me that being an adult means being better at faking it and having more confidence in your ability to recover from the wrong guesses. It's not that you know so much more but that you know you can navigate it better.

So what is the advanced age I can't believe I'm approaching? I'm almost 50. In fact, I turn 50 in 50 days, so to celebrate and reflect I thought I would post something every day leading up to my 50th birthday. It might be a piece of writing or something I love and would like to share, I don't really know. I make no promises of anything lucid, enlightening or even interesting, but I hope you'll come along with me for at least part of this journey.

This is what 50 looks like. Surprised to find myself here.

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