Musing 11 July or empathy and experience

CW: mentions of racism, chronic pain, cancer. Nothing explicit. Also a little preachy :)

I try to live as an empathetic person. When I was younger this was almost crippling for three reasons: First, when I succeeded in empathy I was overwhelmed by the feelings; second, I often believed I understood more than I did and this led to some hard moments; and third, when I failed I castigated myself. I'd like to think I have more balance now, but it's an evolving practice. I'm glad I approach it intentionally, and I hope I keep learning more about empathy.

What's hard is when I realize that empathy or not, I really can't comprehend what someone is going through. For example, when Kevin was sick, he was in a lot of pain. Pancreatic cancer is terribly painful. I felt for him, I did what I could, I did my best to empathize yet I could not know what it was life. Because he bore it rather stoically, it was sometimes hard to believe it hurt as much as it did. I feel ashamed writing that, but it is what is and, frankly, so it is with all of us. We don't know and sometimes we mess up. I did the best I could, even though it never felt like enough.

In recent years I've been thinking about how hard it is to effectively empathize with someone until you've experienced something similar. This doesn't mean empathy without experience is useless, it most certainly isn't and our imaginations make it possible to empathize and care without lived experience, but there is a difference. 

For example, I will never know what it's like to be Black in America. I was married to a Black man, I grew up in a really diverse neighborhood, I have friends from across the board, but I (a white, middle class, middle aged woman) will never really know. The best I can do is empathize and believe people when they trust me with their experiences, then do what I can to work for a more equitable world.

Another example is around invisible disabilities. Let's take chronic pain. I've known people with chronic pain and have done my best to empathize but I misstepped often, forgetting that they hurt because I couldn't see it. Now I know what's it like and my empathy is different, though still flawed. I am in pain almost all of the time because of my back. Most days it's manageable, but then there are the days when shifting from standing to sitting or bending toward my cup of tea really hurts. This means if someone tells me they are in chronic pain I might, might be more able to remember, empathize, and act accordingly.

I can choose how I respond to this lived experience. 

• I can become bitter and assume no one can possibly understand what I'm going through. I won't do that. None of us are so unique that our burdens are incomprehensible to others or beyond empathy.
• I can accept the empathy I receive, flawed though it may be. I am doing this. Some burden of education falls to me, since I need to remind people that I hurt or can't walk so quickly anymore, but I'd rather assume forgetfulness than malice, and empathize in return. It's hard to remember sometimes and I have certainly forgotten about others issues.
• I can use this experience to deepen my empathy for others. I try, fail, and try again.

All we can do is try. Try to empathize with experiences and lives beyond ours, try to accept the empathy we are offered as long as it doesn't become toxic (that's a whole other post), try to empathize in ways that create useful, appropriate, and meaningful change. 

Try, fail, and try again. So it goes.

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