Sunday, September 28, 2014

Six months

Six months ago today you took your last breath on this earth.
Six months ago today I held your warm hand against by chest, my breast, my cheek.
Six months ago today we stared into each others' eyes for hours, as connected and united as I have ever been with another human being. For awhile we were one being with each and every breath up until the last gasp.
Six months ago today I walked you through the gate. I saw you step into the light.
Six months ago today I did the hardest and most important thing I have ever done. I let you go.

I live in a world colored in shades of grey. The reds, golds and browns of autumn are seen by my eyes but they remain colorless. It's not a bad world, it just isn't the world we built together. I am not a very good architect alone. My world lacks wonder. There are sometimes sparks and glimmers of it, but not now. Not yet. Sometimes I think I'm living in a special effect from a 1960s sci-fi film, when black and white was becoming artsy, when granular imagery wasn't yet a cliché.

Part of me wants to reassure my readers here. To tell them that, yes, I know this will change, I will be okay, sometimes I am okay. To tell them that I know you are with me. The rest of me isn't interested in writing that stuff down. Because you are not with me in body and it's sometimes damned hard to believe you are with me in spirit. We don't speak the same language now. Because six months ago today you were still alive. I wasn't without you. Because now I am.

(c)2014 Laura S. Packer Creative Commons License


  1. I just wanted to come on here and show my support for you. I am here if you need an ear.

    1. Thank you. Maybe we could talk sometime? send me an email.

  2. Laura, what jumped out at me about your post (after the love letter, after your admission of how life looks to you now) was that the two parts of you are in dialog. I think that's a really important dialog and I hope it continues.
    Love and admiration to you, dear heart.

    1. Thank you Paula. This is a world of congnitive dissonance and I am in constant dialogue with myself. That's a good way to put it. THank you.


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